Understanding the Complexities of Masculinity: The Case of Wang Zhen
At first glance, Wang Zhen, a 43-year-old physician, epitomizes the archetype of a traditional male. His wife does not dispute this fact. Wang has a famous saying: “Just handle the household chores and leave the man’s responsibilities to me. No need for constant nagging.” While he sometimes expresses this sentiment calmly, more often, it arises during heated arguments. With an impressive career as an internal medicine associate chief physician and a doctorate, Wang has experienced three failed marriages and is the father of three children—two boys and a girl. Now, his fourth marriage, less than three years in, teeters on the brink of collapse, largely due to Wang’s persistent patriarchal attitudes.
The Strain Between Career and Family Life
Wang describes his domineering nature as most prevalent during conflicts between his career and family life, a discord he frequently encounters. His wife, feeling belittled, often reaches her breaking point. To illustrate their issues, I encouraged Wang to share a recent example of conflict while his wife was present.
Last Sunday, Wang was working late with his graduate students on a critical research project. Around 8 PM, his wife called to ask if he would be home for dinner. He replied curtly, “Working late. I’ve already eaten. Busy now.” This terse exchange was typical of his communication style. At 10 PM, she called again: “What time will you be home?” Wang responded, “I’m busy waiting for an experiment result,” and ended the call quickly. Although he was indeed occupied, he was also playing games on his computer during this waiting period. Every thirty minutes, his wife called, getting increasingly anxious. It wasn’t until 3 AM that a frustrated Wang returned home to confront a similarly angry spouse, resulting in yet another argument.
Reflecting on Responsibilities
Wang posed a question to me, “Doctor Li, if you found yourself in a situation like this, what would you do? I really don't see what I did wrong, especially with the work pressure I face.” This question, while not easy to address, opened the door for self-reflection.
I asked, “Do you know Professor Zhou?” Acknowledging their shared profession, Wang admitted to having great admiration for Professor Zhou. I shared that I was friends with the Zhou couple and that their relationship exemplified mutual respect.
“Isn’t Professor Zhou’s job similar to yours?” I inquired, emphasizing the word “similar.” I noted Wang’s dissatisfied glance at his wife, a clear indication of blame being shifted. I remarked, “Professor Zhou regularly calls his wife for no reason at all.” This obviously exaggerated claim was based on my observations of their relationship, where Zhou would often check in with his wife, even during work hours.”
Wang immediately dismissed this approach, stating, “I just don’t have the time; I’m too busy!”
“But you mentioned waiting for experiment results while playing games. Surely, you could take a moment to call your wife then?” This prompted an awkward laugh from Wang, who admitted, “I just didn’t think it was necessary.”
Turning to his wife, I asked, “Do you think there’s value in that call?” Her silence, accompanied by tears, spoke volumes about her need for communication in their marriage.
Pursuing Change and Understanding
Wang genuinely wishes to salvage his marriage and redefine his relationship with both work and family. More importantly, he has begun to recognize that psychological counseling could provide essential support in this journey. This realization fosters an opportunity to explore the deeper motivations behind his behaviors.
The Influence of Early Experiences
Wang’s upbringing profoundly shaped his views on masculinity and relationships. Born to parents who worked in geology, he was raised by his grandparents until elementary school. Although he lacked parental presence, his childhood was filled with joy because of their stable income. However, everything changed once he reunited with his strict parents during his teenage years. They imposed rigid schedules and expectations, which stifled his earlier freedom.
Consequently, when Wang married, he found himself reverting to a mindset of control and authority—believing he finally had the freedom from parental oversight. Yet, this did not translate into a harmonious relationship with his wife, as routine disagreements over minor issues accumulated, leading to the dissolution of his marriages.
The Burden of Traditional Masculinity
In many cases, men like Wang thrive professionally yet struggle personally. They often maintain a youthful, naive perspective on relationships and have difficulty evolving beyond their boyish desires. This dilemma sheds light on a broader cultural issue regarding masculinity and responsibility. As awareness about gender dynamics evolves, it becomes crucial for men to reassess their roles in relationships and embrace the complexities of emotional communication.
Navigating the Journey to Maturity
For these “big boys,” taking time to read about emotional intelligence and effective communication is vital. Resources abound in bookstores that delve into the art of love and relationships. It’s essential for them to recognize that understanding their partners is a sign of growth. The journey toward maturity requires introspection and an acknowledgment of the influence of past experiences, ultimately fostering healthier relationships.